Well, another Christmas has come and gone. And I couldn't be happier. I've hated Christmas most of my life. I thought it was great when I was a little kid--I mean what small child doesn't love being bombarded with gifts--but, once I got a bit older, I started to wonder about the whole thing.
I think the thing that bugs me most about Christmas is how a sombre Christian holiday has been transmogrified into an orgy of empty commercialism and pressure to spend, spend, spend. I'm also confused by some of the imagery associated with Christmas. Wisemen, mangers and camels I can understand. But Santa Claus? What does he have to do with the birth of the Christ child? And Christmas trees? Haven't those been co-opted from pagan winter rituals? Isn't having a living coniferous tree in your house something that might appeal more to Wiccans than Christians? Just asking....
Maybe part of the reason that I'm such a Grinch is that there really isn't a part of Christmas focused on adult guys. The kids have Santa Claus, the women have the decorating and baking and all that other crap. Adult men? We get nothing. I propose the introduction of the Christmas Nymph, a comely young woman who will do a seductive dance around the Christmas tree while kids open their gifts and women watch them do it. Imagine, if you a will, a hottie like this:
Whoa-HO-HO, talk about a Merry Christmas! Forget about my two-year old son, I'd be the first one downstairs Christmas morning if I knew she was waiting for me!
Gentlemen, let's all band together. The time for the Christmas Nymph has come!